Why Am I So Bad At Boundaries?

I help a reader who can't say no...

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

Hello Team CCC! Howaya? Hope you’ve had a good week! I’ve been beavering away in the studio, recording the audio of Read Yourself Happy which has been great fun - and I’ll be announcing something exciting about that project next week…tomorrow I’m off to Cheltenham Lit Fest, to talk about funny books with Andrew Hunter Murray. Then on Sunday I’m interviewing iconic comic Helen Lederer at The Margate Bookie. In a couple of weeks I’m at Simply Books in Bramhall - you can find out more here. Jodi Picoult is coming to the You’re Booked podcast on Monday. And don’t miss the latest episode with Dawn O’Porter. Find us, follow us and binge the archives here.

There are still places available for my creative fiction course Write Like A Reader. It’s the last time I’ll be teaching for a while (and when the course returns there will be a price increase) so now is a good time to take the leap. You can find out more here and email creativeconfidenceclinic@gmail.com for the full syllabus. Paid subscribers get a discount - and you can read the weekly Dear Daisy letter, binge the archives and watch the Sunday Session workshops too. To take advantage of the Autumn offer, hit the button below!

Now, I advise a reader who is really struggling with boundaries…

Dear Daisy,

Why am I so bad at boundaries? I cannot keep a boundary to save my life, and I’m absolutely overwhelmed by anger, resentment, shame and confusion. Here’s the thing – I don’t feel as though I’m an especially nice, kind, giving person. I try my hardest to be generous and thoughtful. In my general line of work (I’m an author) a lot of people I don’t know well approach me for professional favours. Usually, they want someone to blurb for them, or they want an introduction to my agent. Sometimes close friends and family want help, too.

But there’s also the usual stuff I struggle with. A friend is Really Going Through It, and I feel for him, but he has been listing the same problems and complaints for months, and I don’t have the energy to listen, any more – I feel like a monster, but I’m starting to dread and resent him, and feel angry that a) he hasn’t tried to change and b) he has never been noticeably kind, present or helpful during my mental health struggles. (He also goes on at length about how he’s really working to ‘make time’ for himself, and he ‘advises’ me to do the same, with no self-awareness of how much time he soaks up or contaminates. I find this infuriating.)

I recently agreed to complete a work project, and shortly after everything was signed, the goalposts changed dramatically. I decided to get on with it – anything for a quiet life – I’d been hired to solve a problem, and I didn’t want to create more problems – but I felt so unseen, I suppose. I was able to rearrange my schedule in a way that was convenient for my client, but I really wanted them to acknowledge the enormity of their ask. Honestly, I don’t feel as though I have the energy for anyone. I know that it's my responsibility to say no. But I’m scared about what will happen next. I really want to be generous, and I want to be part of my professional ecosystem – I realise you can’t say no to people and expect them to say yes to you. Other people have upheld their boundaries when I’ve asked them for things. Sometimes this has been done in a very gracious way, and sometimes this has felt really awful and hurtful. And sometimes when I have tried to say no, I’ve felt the horrible weight of disappointment, and I’ve felt so disposable. On a bad day, I worry that people can only see how useful I might be to them, and I’ve lost the ability to make friends and build connections with people who like me for me, and don’t endlessly want stuff! How can I build boundaries and save myself before I end up going to prison for murdering everyone I’ve ever met? Help!

Boundaryless and Baffled